Let's talk about EMOTION.

What's my current state of mind? Actually I've been confused for a moment. I was torn between responsibility and being a free-spirit girl who just try to find her happiness. I guess I will be having a hard time explaining what's going in my life now. I can't actually say all things here, cos I still value my privacy that only people close to my life are allowed to intervene. Sharing a deep part of me is difficult for I'm always the secretive type. I may seem a real talker with friends but when it comes to my life, I don't actually say a lot of things. I'm more of a listener that the one who do the talking. I feel more giving an advice to somebody than me taking a bit of it. I'm really stubborn at times.

Love talks. Emotion give in. I knew it was coming, I just didn't take notice. I never knew this is the time. I thought I could still handle, i thought I can still make it work. But sometimes, all we have to do is let it happen for you can never stop what's meant to be. It's hard for me. Unusual to say these things. Maybe it's really true that something has to come along in able for you to realized important things. I have to do this before it's too late that could make me regret something in the end. I know i have to follow what my heart truly says: "It needs a break, for the meantime." I want to breathe for a while. I want to find myself. I think I lost my identity cos of being too much dependent to someone. I want to face the world on my own feet. Cos if i still stand to where I was, I would never know myself all along. Yeah, I want independence. I want to learn on my own without having the assurance that somebody is there waiting to be needed. I just could never learn that way, why? because I keep on coming back to him and hold on that results to being dependent all over again. It will be a vicious cycle.

I know it will be better that way. We will both learn from it. Especially me, i want to prove to myself that "You'll never know what you're missing until it gone" really works. Besides, guilty feeling will never be out. I had responsibities that need more of my attention than just being a happy-go-lucky person who just think of herself. Perhaps both of us could enjoy that set-up until I'm finally ready. Honestly, full happiness was out of my reach. I felt guilty, uneasy, uncomfortable and a bit unhappy all along. I just couldn't admit it to myself before. I keep on shielding that emotion inside me. I found out that I was a little freaky coward in the past. But now, realization strikes me. I already made up my mind. Maybe, this is the time i've been waiting for so long. I have to take the risks. I'm just so sorry for the hurt I might cause you..=( This is the only way i could think of to make things work. We need a little growing up. And in that way, we could learn to appreciate even small things. There are still lots of reason for this sudden outburst that I decided not to elaborate here and just keep it private.

I don't expect the world and it's people to understand what i'm going through right now. I don't have to explain myself to everybody. I don't asks for their sympathy or anything. It's my decision and no one provoked me. I took the risk and I'm willing take the consequences it might bring. I don't give a damn shi*t to people who seem to misjudge me for something they don't really know what it's all about! I just hope that if i might fall or the world would turn it's back on me in the end of the road..true friends will be there, ready to catch me and give me a tap saying things will be okey and they're hanging on. So goodluck to myself. Carry on.

Love can wait. Let's enjoy life cos we're still young. Lots of opportunities is still wating ahead of us. Though we let passed some of it, a new one can still come, who knows, it may be better than the last right? :) *wink*